5 Hari Untuk Selamanya

5 hari untuk selamanya . 
perjalanan melelahkan yang merubah kehidupan individu-individu yang ikut serta di dalamnya. 
5 hari untuk selamanya.
perjalanan yang mengupas bungkus dengan sendirinya, segala topeng dilepas yang punya . 
5 hari untuk selamanya. 

kuningan camp. 3-7 december 2012. Global Jaya International School. year 2011-2014.

4:30 . arrived at school. secondary gate

koper bergeletakan dari ujung ke ujung lainnya, muka-muka lelah itu tak sabar memeluk kasur dikamarnya, membawa sebuah cerita perjalanan hati, yang merubah semuanya, merubah saya juga, 5 hari untuk selamanya. 
masih jelas di memori pagi sibuk itu, lalu lalang orang-orang bersiap dengan bawaanya beberapa tak sabar ingin sampai disana, beberapa berharap cepat berakhir semuanya, toh pada akhirnya perjalanan ini tetap merubah hati mereka. 
perjalanan itu panjang sekali, 6 jam lamanya, di variasikan dengan pemberentian di beberapa tempat. 
di pantai itu apa namanya saya lupa, indah betul, pantai tak berpasir sih, lensa bertebaran jepret sana jepret sini, mengabadikan momen kenangan awal perjalanan kita.
kembali lagi setelah itu ke jalanan, melanjutkan petualangan.
sampai juga disana pukul 4 sore, lama juga pikir ku. 
kuperhatikan lagi wajah-wajah disekitarku . muka bantal. termasuk aku . 
berjalan stengah ogah-ogahan dan stengah semangat. aneh? ya memang begitulah rasanya, lelah luar biasa memang menyerang, masih juga ada kuping yang bisa mendengarkan bagian paling membosankan di dalam sebuah acara "kata sambutan" 
1 jam lamanya kita harus membuka mata dan kuping untuk mendengarkan orang berganti-gantian memberikan instruski akan apa saja yang akan dilakukan disini, juga mengenalkan diri, pada akhirnya diperkenalkan kita pada orangtua asuh, ibu selama 5 hari itu. 
pulanglah kita ke tempat baru yang disebut "rumah" ..... rumahku untuk 5 hari kedepan. 
kita diberikan waktu 30 menit untuk memperbaharui diri agar siap menjalankan aktivitas berikutnya . bingung ya? iyaaa memang, baru saja sampai kita sudah harus melakukan community culture, jam 6 tepat saja menginjakan kaki di gedung serba guna, jantung dari acara ini. dipersilahkan kita makan, setelah tentunya diceramahi ini itu dulu . setelah selesai dibagi beberapa kelompok orang sesuai dengan kegiatan culture yang akan kita lakukan, aku dapat angklung. lucu. terakhir kali aku menyentuh angklung itu sekitar 6 tahun yang lalu, tepat saat aku duduk di bangku kelas 5 sekolah dasar . 
kegiatan belajar main angklung itu berlanjut sampai pukul 9 malam, lelah . tapi teman sekamar ku tiga-tiganya belum selesai melakukan kegiatan saman. minta petunjuk aku ke tempat mereka, sampai lalu menunggu sambil melihat mereka menari saman, rindu aku jaman smp. dulu aku pun pernah belajar tari saman, setelah selesai kembali kita ber-empat ke "rumah" kita, besok akan menjadi hari yang tak kaah panjang dengan hari ini .

unfair

i don't know . he acted differently by the event and the venue. and its so unfair, its like he could be an angel in the morning and total demon at lunch, he could walk together with any girls at school, its like so hard to walk with me at school . 
what is wrong with this guy. frustrating Hamba Tuhan.. real frustrating .
maybe its because of the fact that people know i like him, so he is acting the way he did .  i don't know, and i could hardly care right now, all that i think about at the moment is what elhaq said earlier. real creepy . I'm afraid. 

  

the first ever...

this is the first ugly truth that someone ever throw in my face, this is a bittersweet confession from the guy i liked. the first guy that ever said the truth about his feelings for me . that he didn't like me , that he sees me only as a friend. close friend. 
which is good . its a start,  for the first time i felt like being slapped hard. so hard i could hardly breath . at first i thought "this is just too honest" but its good. its the truth . there's nothing right when it comes to human. people lie you protested, people saying the truth then you hurt. the thing is sometimes when you already know something you just did not need to hear it out loud, because it hurts. already. no need to think about it or hear it again from another person. 
in my case, it comes from the person i like, or care about. i don't even know how i feel about this guy . the only thing i realize is that i've been there before, i've felt that way before. this loser talks all the time about how i just wanna be with him, that he's fucking cute and stuff. and its frustrating because i know where this is gonna end, its gonna be just like me and valdy. all over again. 
but still ......................... i can't stop feeling this fucking corny stuff. its so stupid. so stupid. it makes me feels like i need to change my BBM display picture every 5 minutes with those heart broken pict from tumblr so that he can read it and realize and maybe my story would end up just like in the movies. but it will not . life doesn't go that way. yes i have faith, and hopes that one day everything will turn out fine. but. sometimes our expectation is just too high. makes us a delusional. 
i'm such a fool . but i like being his friend, at least. its better than be that person who looks at the back of his head from a distance. yeah i rather be someone who could acually hit his head.

this is one of the things that love did to you.

did i told you earlier that when i love someone i never lose affection upon them?
valdy. the biggest affection i can never get rid of, i just can't simply move on. and i don't know what am i supposed to do. but i know i can't have him, because well i don't know, maybe he just can't love me in the way that i love him. 

so now here we are claiming our self as "bestfriends" but the thing is he never even there. as a bestfriend should be i could hardly have a good conversation with him. like we used to. he's different now. being 'friends' with him, is something i must struggle to deal with, and now since he have a new life, new girlfriend, and stuff he forgot me. i'm so glad that he's happy with his girlfriend, i like to see him smiling and be happy, but still it hurts me like hell everytime. i saw them the other day, both were walking together through the exit door, i felt like i am falling apart, literally. like every part of my body start failing. and its not because an ENORMOUS jealousy, its because i miss him. i miss he treated me as if i am matter, i miss our time together, talking endlessly in the middle of the night about how to made me close my eyes and fall asleep, i miss his voicenotes trying to sing properly, and giving me advice, i miss hugging him, because i can't hug him anymore, things are just to awkward, i miss the day when he was inside my wardrobe on my birthday, and surprise me with my friends, and i miss when he said that he really miss me so much, that i'm his lovely little sister that he will always love forever, and he will never forgot me nor our friendship, and that i'm irreplaceable. LOOK. LOOK closely at where we are today. hardly talk to each other. so where did the forever part go? mysteriously vanish?! 

and the best duking thing that came out of his mouth was ....


"yeah, i know, but what to do? we have our new life, and new friends, and we're just so busy yet happy with our own life" 

seriously? I MEAN SERIOUSLY?
so now we have 'our own life' , so you didin't count me in.

and here i am, swimming inside the pile of memories, that maybe, i'm the only one who remember this things. 

no matter what and to whom i devoted my everything, i will never stop loving this guy. 


never. 13 itu tetep kamu sama aku.

hamba tuhan #1

today I'm doing CAS with hamba tuhan.
so happy. but i have some breathing problem because of my asthma . and its so painful. you can't imagine how much i suffer this afternoon. thank god i have Indaya by my side. yeah today Calvin is the hero.

anyway. I'm really really really happy that we're doing CAS together. how many times have i mention that? hundreds of time? sorry I'm just THAT excited. even if he's not. sad. that I never learned my lesson. why can't i protect my self. why can't i just learn not to go out on the limb over and over again, faced again with the same mistake.

so idiot. letting my self being tricked by my own perception of hamba tuhan. stupid diva, I'm afraid that this is something serious, the kind of affection that i will never lose. you know because when i love someone i never lose affection, no matter what. even if their not the front runner of my mind, still. feelings are feelings. they can come back any time, love is just something that hide behind your eyes. one glance or memories recalled than it'll all come back.

its so hard to act normal around him and i cant fake it. duh maybe i need some acting class. why did i made my life so complicated and hard. IDIOOOOOOTTTTTTT.

the loser inside of me has spoken. I'll give more that I get. I never see perfection through human  imperfection. promise me you'll hit me with something hard if i hurt my self . jaa?

Hamba Tuhan Prolog

okay .
i need to tell you guys the story about someone in my new school .
yes, i transferred school.
now I'm at Global Jaya International School.
well just call this guy Hamba Tuhan........... why? you don't really need to know why.
the thing is THIS GUY IS LIKE FUCKING CUTE.
he's insanely smart also . he's like one of my perfect boy . 
he's not perfect but for me he's like the list of everything that i wanted to have . 
i saw him and i called him "the cutie" but i didn't notice him that much, until a few time i saw him in the hallway, and then when i went to our principal office i saw him there waiting that is the first time i know his name ... hamba tuhan, and he turns out to be so smart, and so adorable and stuff but i didn't realize that i have a crush on him. 
the moment that i realize i have a crush on him is when i felt this adoring feeling towards him, and then my friend brought that up, so i realize i did.
that moment is when we are in the music room, it was the four of us there he was playing guitar and singing and i said to my self "god, what a freakin' human you made over here"
and then i found out that he took film class, I TOOK FILM CLASS TOO! I', so glad that i did, and at that one class i sat next to him and that's when i start to learn his name better that before, i know when his birthday is, what language he could speak, what kind of music he likes, who is the girl that he fell in love with, and i showed him this picture of me and valdy, and the showed me the pict of 'the girl' and well yeah... 
but.. look at me? would he ever like me? he's like the captain of awesomeness. and I'm just me .
one day everything changes like literally . he didn't talk to me like before. he's kinda like avoiding me somehow . i don't know maybe its just me who felt that way but seriously, he did. anyway, you know me ryt? even tho i have a enormous crush on him, if he being a jerk then he is . no excuse. my respect is slightly decreasing . but the sad thing is i can't even fake a smile around him, he's like super something else, its like things have changed big time, and it happen so fast, i mean what is up with him anyway? i assume that someone told him that i like him, so he become so awkward and all . I'm not sure, i just don't want this to be something serious bcs from my point of view right now, having a crush on him isn't going to make my any better. 
its like valdy all over again and ginsha all over again. I'm so FED up with this silly opera of life. my exs moving on, happy with their so-called-blessed life, not that I hate them . i kinda envy them. seems like they're having the time of their life, and I'm being served with the same crap everytime . this crushes i have, well not on valdy definitely, he is way more than just a crush. way way way more than that. but i don't need the story of unrequited love anymore, i didn't ask too much, i just wanna be his close friend, someone he called at night to tell crappy unimportant pointless story, and just simply share with me about anything going on in my life .  because i missed being like that for someone.
i used to be that way to valdy. and now i lost him, i don't know where my percy go. he went away, too far away, i can't see him he is way over there. 
I'm doing CAS with hamba tuhan by the way . WISH ME LUCK. 
ptyl. 

nowhere

i've got nowhere to go ...... i dont know what i should probably do now, my life is confusing . my dad. always try his ass off to take control of everything . i feel so numb right now, i don't think im gonna be okay . maybe i'll break down soon enough . i'm on the egde of breaking down now .
its just everything is different now. its not a problem that daddy is trying to take control ... but hello? he made this situation ....... he made this. there's no way i can be okay . i know he love me that he wants the best for me . its not that i don't love him or sumthing its just .... i don't like him all the time . and my life? its been such a long time that he's not around ...... that make me sometimes quite upset why did my mom have to call him everytime we fight too far . i believe we can finished it our self . bcs i don't like how my dad solve problems sometimes . it makes me miserable . in almost every conclusion he ever made .
like this one . okay maybe this is isnt exactly jail . but it felt like my dad put me in a .. well what can i called it . far-away-comfty-kins-house . away from my mom . my mom!!! :'(

SO i've quote a view songs i listen here .
that draws me with the lyrics .

simple plan - Perfect (WHOLE DAMN SONG)

" i'm tired of being what you want me to be, feeling so faithless, lost under the surface, i don't know what you're expecting of me . every step that i take is another mistake to you. i've become so numb i can't feel you there . become so tired. can't you see that you smothering me? holding too tightly, afraid to lose control" LINKIN PARK- Numb

i really did feel so numb right now .  like i don't know what to feel . its like even when i know. its wrong . like all i gotta do is hold my feelings in  . thats every possible thing that i could feel is simply just wrong .
its hurts . but i just gotta live with it . even though figuring out how is hard....

let it be

biarin aja cinta emang nyakitin, cinta juga kadang nyenengin. 

cinta kadang bikin lo terbang, kadang bikin lo jatuh juga .

kadang cinta itu yang buat lo jadi satu, kadang cinta yang buat lo hancur berantakan . 

cinta itu emang penuh penantian, cinta itu emang butuh sabar . 

cinta juga butuh banget pengertian . 

cinta itu butuh kerelaan . butuh kebebasan . 

cinta itu gapernah jatuh sama orang yang salah, cuman kadang cinta jatuh kepada orang yg gatepat . tapi gasalah cuman gatepat aja . 

lo sakit nih gara-gara cinta? jangan nyerah buat mencintai orang.

jangan berubah jadi pengecut yang takut sama harapan . 

lo hidup karna harapan  karna lo mampu berharap.

salah berharap? nggak kita manusia .. cuman manusia yang gasempurna .

kita pasti berharap untuk diberi ketika kita memberi . 

tapi cinta yang bisa buat kita berharap dan cinta juga yang membuat kita merelakan harapan itu . karna cinta tulus itu ga bisa egois . 

gaada tuh istilahnya kita bisa bahagia garagara orang yang kita cintai itu bahagia sama orang lain . gue gapercaya sama argumen konyol itu . 

gue personally gabisa bahagia disaat orang yang gue sayang harus sayang-sayangan sama orang lain . gue gabilang GUE BAHAGIA . tapi gue supportive . gue mencoba untuk IKUT BAHAGIA . itu kenapa mahluk hidup itu memang munafik . kaadang kita emang harus diem dan nyimpen perasaan itu buat diri kita sendiri . kadang itulah yang terbaik ..... cuman ikut supportive buat orang yang kita sayang . kadang kita gabisa buat apa-apa . sakit rasanya karna kita gabisa ikut berkontribusi dalam kebahagiaan yang dia milikin . sakitnya garagara kita tau bahwa bukan kita yang bisa bikin dia seneng , bukan kita yang kabarnya di tunggu-tunggu, bukan kita yang di kangenin banget sama dia, bukan kita yang dia cariin pas waktu ada apa-apa, bukan kita yang tiap bulan diucapin kata-kata manis dengan embel-embel 'semoga kita tambah sayang-sayangan' itu cheesy banget tapi what the hell screw you i love it .  cinta itu yang bisa bikin kita jadi kampungan dengan membuat kita terbang dengan kalimat-kalimat gombal yang sering kali cuman bohong , atau sekedar kata selamanya yang gue tau sebenernya dia belum tentu bisa ada selamanya tapi kita seneng kan dengernya? love made cheesy line sounds real . love its such a juvenile emotion . tp screw you twice . we need a little crime in this life .   so ... i let it be.

just be fuckin honest .

please. just be fuckin honest .
lo jangan pernah bohongin orang yang sayang sm lo, kalo lo sayang sama orang lain lo bilang sm dia , bukan berarti apa , lo tunjukin lo syg orang lain bukan berarti sayang itu lebih dari sayang lo ke dia .
kalo lo punya mantan dan lo masih sayang sama dia , lo jangan ambil langkah buat jadian sama orang lain , lo tunjukin ke mantan lo kalo lo syg , selesain apa yg masih nyangkut di hati lo .
why god, ppl always hide their feeling? for good sake?! nu-uh hiding feeling doesn't change an effing thing .
well i post this i need to tell sumtin, i need a few ppl to be honest w/ me . about their feeling . i know its hard to be honest i sometimes cant be honest to my self .
now im facing a really hard situation .
gue cuman butuh sebuah keajaiban yang bikin gue percaya sama perasaannya si ... okelah kita panggil aja dia si bandel .
hmm istilahnya gini loh gue ogah jadi kayak romeo, udah bunuh diri ternyata julietnya mati boongan . kan bete .
its irrelevant you know .
how hard it is to be honest? c'mon ....
ppl u shud start to think . and control what's going outta your mouth especially the WAY YOU SAID IT  . yes imma girl . and it matters . SO MUCH .

a year ago in overrated happiness, today in total grieve

so its true what goes around comes around . life is one vicious cycle guys . i feel that
a year ago exactly at april 14th 2011 i was overjoyed that i have a new boyfriend. a perfect guy that just match me perfectly, we hardly ever had a fight . and i dont know what gone wrong its just felt right for me .
Fadhli Noviandi Wahyu . my beloved ex boyfriend who probably already have a life of his own with his new baby doll . and me? i am patheticly still so strung out about him .
is not that i cant move on and live my life . or its not like all i know is second best cause he is the best . i definitely can find another best . but he's my ex still . and we broke up on his demand not mine.
so last saturday is april 14th 2012 . and i feel . devestated . i miss him . but i can do nothing . the last time we met was at ali's birthday bash . we dont even talk , its like we were strangers . not even a bit of hello . if i cut off everything and left us alone in this world, silence its all what's going to happen .
its sad actually . we usually had that sparks between us. i usually hear laughter commin out from both of us . and now death silence creeping down our spikes.
i regret of how i didnt try to start the conversation. and how am i being so childish .
i wish i could be more mature. but it hurts. somehow i just never been in such a pain, so i failed to justify it.
i dont know ... i just miss him so much . 
he's my perfect match . everything that i want i written all over him . 
i hope he wont forget me . i hope one day he'll be back and ease all my pain . because he can ..................................... love you nyut . imysm.

lovey dovey dove love

i heard once said that, love is something that hide behind your eyes, with one glance everything will fall back again . 
and damn it ..... its true .
that love only need one glance to make it go back again ..... 
cinta itu adalah sesuatu yang bersembunyi di balik mata lo , dengan satu pandangan semuanya bisa balik lagi, semua perasaan itu . 
semua yang selama ini udah lo coba pendem , semua yang selama ini coba lo ga pikirin, segalanya yang selama ini lo coba buat ga pentingin . semua itu bisa kembali dalam satu pandangan . 
so here i am stuck in the same old love dovey dove love issue . 
what? imma normal teenagers . i am meant to fall in love with a lot of people at the same time . i am supposed to be this reckless throwing out my heart loving everybody .... 
until my one true love reveal.... right?
but it kills me ..... the pain . is killing me inside . but i dont mind, embrace the pain dude! embrace the feeling of hurt . learn from it . what doesnt kill you make you stronger . 
just lets say ... i think valdy's story is repeated now .
anyway im transferring school to Global Jaya ..... well just hope that i can survive there and i meet someone nice . and nicer ..................................... i wish 
no im just kidding .
anyway im so stressed out by the thought oh HIM ... yeah HIM . he really know how to make me sad seriously .... well its not exactly his fault . i mean he done nothing but nice to me , but a little bit of unacceptable tone in sentence drives me insane ... i hope this is just another silly crush .
by the way im listening to michael bubble - cry me a river which made me felt like MARIO HERMAN FAZARY is screaming right before my ear with this song . shidddddddd. i feel like i wanna kill my self . or simply just kill him from my head would've been no problem . 
i miss him . so much . hey dude how are you? long time no see . 
i dont know what im talking about right now . so random . and unorganized . im so screwed . and i NEED to kill my brother right now.... not really i love him actually . 
but what ever . 
but one thing you shud know i love CAHYAPITOL 
he's my best friend ....... today . 
i have new respect for him today . HUGE new respect . 
smurf you dude ... so much . 
im trying so hard right now to understand the life i have right now . 
hope i find my way straight .... SOON i need it . 
and my sanity too . it felt like im losing my in this world called reality . seriously . why can dreams become my reality . i really really want to live like inception . you know its so cool . how i can spend years and years in limbo and not aged at all in real life . 
but what eff my life is not some fraking movie. i direct my own life . 
seriously .. all i wanted is my life to be like FTV . with guys doing wonderful stuff for you . all i need is white roses ... 
story of my crappy life . 
so.............. Au Revoir . see you guys . 

THIS GUY OVER HERE IS THE CUTEST GUY EVER.

AS U KNOW I ONLY POSTED TWO PICTURE INCLUDING THIS ONE.

EVERRRRR

THE FIRST ONE IS . MY BELOVED NICHOLAS JOSEPH BRAUN.

AND NOW THIS GUY .
NAMED REY :)
SO CUTE . I LOVE HIS SMILE . ESPECIALLY HIS CUTE DIMPLE . GORGEOUS . TOTALLY .

weird weird dream

yes, i just have the weirdest dream ever .
you know what .
i dream that i kissed greggy .
that's really weird . its neophyte for my limbo .
its totally new . and weird . i dont know how many time i said weird.
so ts started out 3 days ago i had a dream about greggy .
so he take my hand . he ran . pulling me towards the forest and then i remember there is an enormous mansion, and he pulled me in .
suddenly i saw a lot of guns inside the house . he said someone tried to kill me .
funny, the mafia boss is actually Iglesias .. you know the fat guy from the last comic standing , funny right .... but im scared still, because he tried to kill me . so inside the mansion there is Astrd Thalia and SS. they are all armed . everybody got guns and knife .
so does greggy he got 4 guns .
and suddenly i can't remember how did i get there but for some reason we arrived in front of the door of one of the room in the gigantic mansion . so turns out all the room is ocupied already, and locked down already . so me and greggy only left with one room in the end of the hallway.
we get in and we see what we supposed to see inside a room .
so then we went out to the porch, and then we looked beyond the forest to the city where there are war happenning. and i can see the fire being shooted vividly from one side to the other one, the explosion sound of granade hit the ground . and there we are, looking beyond the horizon, in silence, in a cold night, where i can hardly see stars. so greggy suddenly give a jacket, he said he already have a vest so i can have his jacket . because its so damn cold and its bullet proof jacket for my protection anyway.
and then he put his arm around my neck, and i put my head on his chest . and the he hold my face, i looked at him and then he put away his hand, for some reason maybe im petrefied and i did not realize what he did .
and





BAMMMMMMM!!!!!

he shoot me . and i die
so he is one of THEM
he's bad guy in cover .


and then i wake up, my heart is beating faster than ever. i can feel the bullet through my chest dude . common.

and the last night even weirder dream im having .
i kissed him. in grey background. literally weird .
i dont understand what happen .

i really really am confused .

change the world project .

-->

Imma post songs that I wrote.

This song is for the change . of the future. Im no musician, so the melody of the song will follow up later.

My eyes are hurting

Seeing the sight of this street

Something that’ll make you

Die a little bit inside

That old guy walk his feet upon

The hot burning street

The old woman sweeps the road

From one end to other one.

As the future coming

Closer…

The view gets more and more hurting.

Where is the better place?

You’ve been promising

Where is the better life?

You’ve been talking about?

Where is the future?

You’ve said will change

But nothing will ever change

If that stone cold heart stays the same

My eyes is hurting

Seeing the sight of this street

Something that’ll make you

Die a little bit inside

The kids are begging instead of laughing

The ill are begging instead of being heal

As the future coming

Closer…

The view gets more and more hurting.

Where is the better place?

You’ve been promising

Where is the better life?

You’ve been talking about

Where is the future?

You’ve said will change

Nothing will ever change

If you don’t change you .

post i didnt get a chance to pusblish.

Finally I get my PC to work again.

This mean I can blog anytime ……… at granma’s house because my mother doesn’t provide an internet connection at home . while my granma’s house have internet connection, but no PC . so im moving my PC there....

I will have fun hanging out there .

Anyway..

Im so sick today so I’m unable to go to school today, I don’t think tomorrow also.

Im so tired . sick to death .

If only I have an internet connection at home . it will be so hard to move my ass off from this room .

Is spend my day watching tv today, and bragging about kind food I crave . I still crave for BERRY jelly and cupcakes .

Because acit rings the bell about the cupcakes thingy .

Anyway … I lost my usb .. so sad. I think I lost my memory card too . and did I mention that my phone is broken? Wanna know why? Spend more than 4 hours in water……. Thankkkss to that fried rice mas-mas ruined my life .

So now I’m monopolizing my brother’s phone .

Since nobody calling him nor text him anyway .

Its so useless to bought him a blackeberry seriously .

He’s the one who bbm-in everybody .

Anyway ……………. As long as he remains in silent when I use his phone, then I’m good then .

Hafez's House........ (super glue)

every single time i visit hafez's house something must have been glued me to the house.
i cant go home no mattter how many time i said
" i wanna go home"
its not working .......................
first i went there with hafez . crazy-ing for a while . and we went to hafez's brother room
FAQIH FALA SHEEHAN LOULEMBAH . well you can call him FAFA .
he's my high school senior . 12th grader .
everytime me, hafez and fafa start a conf. it will take a very very highy amount of energy to pull me outa the house .
we laugh like crazy talking about all the things in school or even outside of school.
we're as crazy as hell.
like today for example .
i came and then talk with ka FAFA like we've known each other forever .
HAHAHAHAHA funny . and then the craziest idea came to FAFA's head . we make a video call to KA IRRRVAAAAANNNNNNN!!!!! haha and the conf. is getting even more retarted than before .
the bad thing is . we can't hear ka irvan's voice . so he replied our loud voice conf via chat .
its so crazy that we talk about everything and laugh so hard .
listenn to BIGBANG new videos and watching TRIO MACAN new video... and some guy called AGUNG HERCULES singing the song called "asanti" or sumthing i refuse to remember . but its veryveryvery SWOOOOGGGGG . EPICCCCCC FAILIURE. AND LAMEEEEEEE. literally .
and we laugh our ass off.
me and ka FAFA is faking bule accent . very fail.
see i once said i can never walk out from hafez's house before 11 o'clock if there's the present of ka fafa .
now my mom and oma is calling and texting me like GUSTA .

hahahaha .

and you know what these two brother are super glue .

love'em muchhhh ............

on a day like this...........

Im hypnotized by Craig David’s song ….

“Don’t love you no more”

I don’t know why . I don’t think because the lyrics related to me also.

Just FYI I usually repeated a song if is related to my real life … but this one? No .

Better show you the lyric of the chorus first .

: that’s when you turn said to me

‘ I don’t care babe its right or wrong, I just don’t love you no more’

Rain outside my window pouring down .

But now you’re gone my fault I’m sorry

Feeling like a fool cause I let you down

Now its too late to turn it around

I’m sorry for the tears I made you cry .

But I guess this time really is goodbye

You made it clear when you said

I just don’t love you no more

But I guess what’s so catchy about this song is the melody .

Its so romantic, so easy-listen-too melody .

Yet the lyric is quite dark….its about a broke up .

Its cool how can they mixed that up .

Just like James Morrison’s song . ‘Broken String’

Its also have a great melody yet sad story .

I also love to listen to that song . I used to rewind it for hours and hours .

Well there’s gonna be a time where I will listen to that song again…. Someday maybe, but for now Craig intoxicate me with his song . can’t stop listening to it .

Talking about music . my beloved country Indonesia now become a warehouse of Boyband & Girlband …. Hell man .

None of them are even close to westlife .

Okay westlife would’ve been too high to be comparison .

Hw abt …. One Direction? Nu-uh still too high .

Lets try …. The Wanted? Still too high .

What are they trying to be? JoBros? SuperJunior?BigBang? SHinee? WHAT?!

SPEAK TO ME …… rather than you destroying the music industries of Indonesia . truly . it’s a shame, they cant dance, cant synchronize the dance, most of them even don’t know how to sing .

So what are they trying to do? Somebody just lost about the definition of ‘listen to your conscience’ seriously this is gotta end man . before this country become an Epic Fail Copy of Korea .

You have to bring them back to the right path of life . scream before their ears that are capable to hear that “ NOT FRIGGIN EVERYBODY CAN BE K-POP SUPERSTAR THINGY “ so stop trying your ass off and waste your time on something you know you’ll never get….

Wait a minute……………. ‘on something you know you’ll never get’ this word fit perfectly to my teen-life-love-crappy-story .

I often waste my time on some one I know I’ll never get .

Then I end up hurting cause I wasn’t careful and become reckless . loving who ever I thought the best at the time .

Some words and hugs …….. flirt talks … and stares…. And little things . and I fall hard .

Little thing is usually the things we remember the most … those corny boring slightly romantic moment .

Like one moment when he said he love me . explicitly romantic way .

When I wanna kiss his cheeks and he pushes his self away, blinded my face with pillow . and he kissed my forehead instead.

Or …. When we talked for hours about the most pointless things ever .

Sometimes we know it’s a stupid things but its still seems so beautiful . you all hypocrite people around the world, who said you’re an independent person and just hate those love craps . I’m asking you from the deepest layer of my heart, have you ever been in love? Have you ever felt all the butterfly in your stomach? The warmth that you feel inside . the endless smiling and constant euphoria. Gravity means nothing. Nothing at all because you’re floating . you’re free . you’re flying amid the clutter of mess we human made.

And did you ever felt the longing when minutes felt like hours. And all you wish for is the day to swiftly kissed the world goodbye then the night become so much longer . did you ever felt like nothing in the world can bring you down and don’t you ever felt so curious…. Wondering how a person can make you smile with anything thee does to you .

West side story is true . be in love for girls make them feel pretty . and witty . and nearly insane HAHAHA . well being in love is wonderful .

And being hurt isn’t an excuse to be afraid to fallin in love again .

Just like dream & hopes. Love also only come for them who still believe in it .

Don’t say you’re somebody if you lose your power of loving someone else.

piece of regret...

what am i supposed to do to make my momma proud?
im no perfect i know,i really wish i could be the perfect child for my mom, because she is the perfect mom for me .
mom if you read this one day . all im saying is sorry
for all the flaws that i have that always make you sad and disappointed, i never meant to do it.
im sorry for being such and idiot girl,but you have to know that i always listen to you mom.
all the things you said is remembered in my stupid head.
im sorry for maybe walking at the wrong path of life.
but i promise you that one day i'll make you proud of me.
im sorry for being a different teenagers than what you expected .
and now i really wish i could just cry so hard due to the fact that im such a failure.
now everytime i heard simple plan- perfect i burst into tears.
its hurt so much ...

hey MOM look at me
Think back, and talk to me
Did I grow up according to plan?
And do you think I'm wasting my time
Doing things I want to do?
But it hurts when you disapproved all along
And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for
You can't pretend that I'm alright
And you can't change me.....


Cause we lost it all
Nothin' lasts forever
I'm sorry I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late
And we can't go back
I'm sorry I can't be perfect
I try not to think
About the pain I feel inside
Did you know you used to be my hero?
All the days you spent with me
Now seem so far away
And it feels like you don't care any more
And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't stand another fight
And nothing's all right

im sorry mom .

i love you mom.
im sorry i cant be perfect.

february 12th,2012

hey guys

im thinking about start blogging again . i'm so tired . i dont know who i shud turn too beside this blog.
world seems just like never understand. this is may be just one of the most silly issue in the world.

but what else to do . we are just teenagers anyway, little problem affect us so badly . everything is just like the end of the world .
you know what its not. this is just the beginning . there's something out there just being ready to slap you in the face..... Hard

did you ever felt like so empty?like you even forget how it feels like to be hurt? let me tell you that's what growing up felt like .
that's what i feel right now... well im happy ... im sad also... normal just like i used to
but none of those feeling last too long .
its like when u start to be happy and then something sad come by. when you feel in grieve than something happy comes to you .
or its just the matter of fact that im no longer a kid? im now turning 16 .
by next year i can have my license . and when i turn 18 i'll be in college . leaving my mom and brother home .
time flew faster than roller coaster guys .
it felt like just yesterday im scream ing about going to my new school . entering high school.
and look at me now? im in the edge of school year .

let me tell you ...... you really don't want to grow up like what you said right now .
growing sure did causes a lot of pain . growing up is confusing .
since its something that you can so nothing about ...... just enjoy your time . as a KID its nice
cause you know what the good thing to be a kid is? you have home and adults to keep you out from this twisted world .