mr. number fourteen

so its my birthday 5 days ago, and someone just decide to show up :) la la la 

he's my ex boyfriend who i happen to at some point being mention in this blog here it goes 
well, my insane friend just decide to search for his line ID and just mssg him out of the blue, telling him that he shud come to my surprise party. 

its insanity, the last time i saw him was somewhat two years ago, when we finally, well he officially got sick of me. a lot of people eventually did. 

and for two years it was total AWOL, we did not even talk at all, and the fact that even said yes to my totally crazy friend was a miracle itself, he drove a car to my house which is very very very very far from what i have always known as his house, and turns out it did took him 3 and 1/2 hour drive to my house, jakarta traffic is just inevitably insane. 

i dont even know how to react when i saw his face in my room. its indescribable. 
he has changed a lot, this is him when he was with me:

 he wore sleeveless tops very very often, use his worn out converse black shoes, loving asking alexandria, wearing bra straps on his wrist, and a wrist band he usually took from me, and he's rock n roll as fuck, he smoke all the time, drink all the time, use this scouter to go to my house, and ranting about how his sexy byson motorcycle has not arrived yet, and saying how cool he would look with it, and he is just dropdead rock n roll. 

and this is him now: 

a lot skinnier(which i hate so much) get rid of the rock n roll stuff, and switch to this very preppy look, with his shirt and vans shoes, and he drove a car now, not so much of rock n roll anymore, his wrist is clean of either band or bra straps, well he still drink from what i heard, ditch asking alexandria and listen to tame impala (the funniest thing on earth is that i happen to only love tame impala out of the other similar type of band) and he uses glasses again now. 

and then the ugly truth hits me hard. 

he is gone. when i looked at him, i don't see my boyfriend anymore. 
i dont see the person i used to love very much, he is officially gone.
now my memories are officially memories, and he is a memory to his present self. 
and it just hit me, that people changes, and i cant feel that i am changing. 

love really is something that hides behind your eyes, with one look, everything falls back in, i never really did forget him, he is a part of my wasted heart. 

well i talked about valdy far more often that i ever talk about him, but you know........ it does not mean that he's not there. 

he's the only ex boyfriend i always blabb about. bedil this. bedil that. bedil who. bedil what. my best friend knows that. they said they were afraid that i turned out to be sad than happy to see him. 

well FYI i really am happy, because i miss him like crazy, and its funny and its weird, but it does worth the shot. 

we did not even hug at all, we shake hands, yes the ex lover, the one i used to run into when my eyes caught his sight, and the one i used to kiss, the one i used to watch family guy with, the one i used to rest to when i am tired, the one that hold me in my sleep (well while waiting for his friend to reply his mssg) and the one person i used to never felt to be awkward with. yes we shake hands. 

and he left early, he said he have to go somewhere else, and i said thankyou that he actually took his time on stop by just to wish me happy birthday, i took a picture with him, its just .... i dont even know the word.

but i am glad that he is there, so much. bcs i really do miss him all these years. 

heartless, my little man he is

heartless, my little man he is. 
there are parts of heart, to love different things.
there are shapes of the face of the loved ones
there are sizes of how big the affection felt
he did not lose his heart
he did not lose the ability to feel
he is just heartless shape of my face
heartless parts to love me 
he cut it off
or it just rot its way to the grave
its pitch dark as the hole of a pole 
its scared
and its broken.

this is getting old v

it has been for the longest time, felt like forever. 
he is still all i ever wanted in my life, and i hate the way i don't hate him.
he needs to be dead, or i have to hate him to death to be able to move this sad story somewhere else because the plot has been stuck for quite a while. 
and i am bored, with the way i long for his presence around me, i am bored with how he always going to be unreachable.
my epic love is not the one i hide between the shadow, its out on display for the rest of the world
he is nothing special, he is ordinary, he is stupid, he's a delusional dreamer, and he breaks my heart. 
and i am tired of fatigue, i'm tired of hiding my soul beneath my eyes, and the sadness that breaks my silent night. 
while he is out there dancing tango with the girl that he grow affection upon, i am here shouting the despair in the center of my wasted heart. 
and i am such an imbecile for not even considering the situation, practicing self denial with just a little possibilities that comes only when i have to turn and change my life the complete other way around. 

and this is getting old, yes. 
all the pain and the forlorn, yes. 
all the burning thoughts, yes. 
even the memory i cherish the most shoot me with a riffle gun. 
this is getting old. 
all energy i waste on loving him, yes. 
all the time that passed by me because of him, yes. 
and all the good times, only ones i ever remembered about him, yes. 

he's a cancer of my soul. 
i have soul cancer and its all because of him.

and now that you know, my soul has been damaged you see why he is in the vessel of my blood, and in the beating heart of mine. 

and he lives in every cell in my system, to the smallest form there is. 
he lives in every component of oxygen i inhaled, he is in every atom that moves unnoticeably, to the obviousness of sun's goodbye. 

he is just always there even when he is never been there, and i am bored of my pathetic illusion of him everywhere. 

this is getting old. 

and he forgot to bought me the ticket to move on. and i don't know where to go, i left myself to him blind folded, and now i can't find my way back home. 

to my perfect scarless loving heart. 

to my pure sanity. 

to the place where i thought falling into his oblivion is a fairy tale.