unfair

i don't know . he acted differently by the event and the venue. and its so unfair, its like he could be an angel in the morning and total demon at lunch, he could walk together with any girls at school, its like so hard to walk with me at school . 
what is wrong with this guy. frustrating Hamba Tuhan.. real frustrating .
maybe its because of the fact that people know i like him, so he is acting the way he did .  i don't know, and i could hardly care right now, all that i think about at the moment is what elhaq said earlier. real creepy . I'm afraid. 

  

the first ever...

this is the first ugly truth that someone ever throw in my face, this is a bittersweet confession from the guy i liked. the first guy that ever said the truth about his feelings for me . that he didn't like me , that he sees me only as a friend. close friend. 
which is good . its a start,  for the first time i felt like being slapped hard. so hard i could hardly breath . at first i thought "this is just too honest" but its good. its the truth . there's nothing right when it comes to human. people lie you protested, people saying the truth then you hurt. the thing is sometimes when you already know something you just did not need to hear it out loud, because it hurts. already. no need to think about it or hear it again from another person. 
in my case, it comes from the person i like, or care about. i don't even know how i feel about this guy . the only thing i realize is that i've been there before, i've felt that way before. this loser talks all the time about how i just wanna be with him, that he's fucking cute and stuff. and its frustrating because i know where this is gonna end, its gonna be just like me and valdy. all over again. 
but still ......................... i can't stop feeling this fucking corny stuff. its so stupid. so stupid. it makes me feels like i need to change my BBM display picture every 5 minutes with those heart broken pict from tumblr so that he can read it and realize and maybe my story would end up just like in the movies. but it will not . life doesn't go that way. yes i have faith, and hopes that one day everything will turn out fine. but. sometimes our expectation is just too high. makes us a delusional. 
i'm such a fool . but i like being his friend, at least. its better than be that person who looks at the back of his head from a distance. yeah i rather be someone who could acually hit his head.

this is one of the things that love did to you.

did i told you earlier that when i love someone i never lose affection upon them?
valdy. the biggest affection i can never get rid of, i just can't simply move on. and i don't know what am i supposed to do. but i know i can't have him, because well i don't know, maybe he just can't love me in the way that i love him. 

so now here we are claiming our self as "bestfriends" but the thing is he never even there. as a bestfriend should be i could hardly have a good conversation with him. like we used to. he's different now. being 'friends' with him, is something i must struggle to deal with, and now since he have a new life, new girlfriend, and stuff he forgot me. i'm so glad that he's happy with his girlfriend, i like to see him smiling and be happy, but still it hurts me like hell everytime. i saw them the other day, both were walking together through the exit door, i felt like i am falling apart, literally. like every part of my body start failing. and its not because an ENORMOUS jealousy, its because i miss him. i miss he treated me as if i am matter, i miss our time together, talking endlessly in the middle of the night about how to made me close my eyes and fall asleep, i miss his voicenotes trying to sing properly, and giving me advice, i miss hugging him, because i can't hug him anymore, things are just to awkward, i miss the day when he was inside my wardrobe on my birthday, and surprise me with my friends, and i miss when he said that he really miss me so much, that i'm his lovely little sister that he will always love forever, and he will never forgot me nor our friendship, and that i'm irreplaceable. LOOK. LOOK closely at where we are today. hardly talk to each other. so where did the forever part go? mysteriously vanish?! 

and the best duking thing that came out of his mouth was ....


"yeah, i know, but what to do? we have our new life, and new friends, and we're just so busy yet happy with our own life" 

seriously? I MEAN SERIOUSLY?
so now we have 'our own life' , so you didin't count me in.

and here i am, swimming inside the pile of memories, that maybe, i'm the only one who remember this things. 

no matter what and to whom i devoted my everything, i will never stop loving this guy. 


never. 13 itu tetep kamu sama aku.