and things just keep popping out and remind me of him, this is terrible. i feel like i can never escape the thought of him, he is just always there for some reason.
he was never meant to mean so much to me. i am tired. of this.
and the worst thing just happen to me the other day, so i was hangin with some friends at this Japanese food place, its on the side of the street, they got this gigantic alley, they got this kindergarden at the end of the road, so people just hang out there at night.
its a famous local place but i rarely went to the place, so its been like forever since i've been there, i just decided to go there with couple of friends and i was just about 5 minutes after i finished my dinner, i just happen to glance to my left, its a familiar face, inside a Jazz car, it was dark, but i was right it was Bacil my dear old friend, but then it hit me. SHIT. IF BACIL IS HERE MEANS THAT. yes. it means there is that person. my heart was raising outside my chest. it was ugly. then i saw him, and everything i am falls apart.
i cant even begin to explain how i felt.
time flew by.
dan sekarang topi sarjana itu berterbangan ke atap hampir semua sekolah menengah akhir di jakarta, valdy juga lempar topi itu.
sekarang waktunya dia untuk bener-bener mewujudkan apa yang dia bicarakan sepanjang gue kenal dia, jadi pilot. Gue udah tanya bacil dan dia bilang valdy udah berangkat ke pulau dewata untuk melakukan serentet prosedur yang entah apa.
sebagian dari diri gue bahagia banget buat dia, orang yang gue sayang maju selangkah lebih dekat kepada mimpinya. Tapi kalo gue lagi inget sama gimana rasa sakitnya rasanya pengen banget liat dia ancur. He broke my heart so terribly. He just walk away and i am broken.
And i have to sit every single day watching him love someone else, watching him holding someone else, and not even a single minute he ever spend to think about his old pal. and he loved her, the way that i wished i was loved. he loved her for all of her flaws just the way i loved all of his'
Gue pengen liat dia gagal, gue pengen liat dia ga keterima disana, gue pengen dia tau kalo dia itu ga sebaik yang dia kira, dan gue pengen dia rasain gimana rasa sedih, gue pengen banget dia tau kalo dia gabakalan pernah dapetin sesuatu yang dia gapernah perjuangin dengan sepenuh hati dan dedikasi.
and he failed.
Gue gatau gue harus ngerasa gimana, yang jelas gue gak ngerasa seneng sama sekali. gue sedih. gue sayang sama dia dan gue cuman mau dia bahagia, gue cuman mau dia berhasil, gue cuman mau dia bisa jadi pilot yang gagah jalan jalan di bandara pake seragam pilotnya, gue mau itu buat dia, gue mau dia bangga sama dirinya dan bisa banggain keluarganya.
Tapi gue cuman manusia kan bukan malaikat, gue mau jadi bagian dari semua itu, gue mau bisa peluk dia dan bilang 'selamat akhirnya lo berhasil jadi pilot, gue bangga sama lo val, sumpah gue bangga sama lo, gila lo gagah banget pake jas gini' gue pengen dia bilang 'makasih yaa div thanks banget udah dukung gue' karna gue emang bakalan selalu dukung dia.
Dia tuh kira-kira ngerti gak ya sayangnya gue ke dia itu seperti apa. selama ini rasanya dia gaperduli lagi, dan dia udah berubah.
Gue benci dia banget, dia selalu berhasil bikin gue ngerasa insecure, untuk ada disini perjalanan gue panjang banget, untuk jadi apa yang gue jadi sekarang. Dan cuman hal kecil yang dia lakuin gue bisa balik lagi jadi orang yang insecure.
i looked at this picture of us, and i just break down and cry all the time, and i miss him every time i breathe, and it is such an awful feeling to realize that i am just another girl to him, and my heart just start to ache so bad. because i knew he is something since the day that we met, i knew he meant something more since the first time i hug him tight, and i thought that someone couldn't cry more than this but everyday its more than before.
nobody have ever just left me like that, and it is just agonizing every time i am reminded of him. and you know you just cant escape the feeling, you have to live with it, with that pain in your chest, and you just wish that something greater will come along and replace, but somethings can't be replace. somethings are meant to be there and hurt your feeling.
and it is so stupid thinking about him, when he couldn't care less about how you feel, he probably have forgotten your name.
he must've forgotten my name already, and all those memories float in entrance of the underworld where broken dreams and human despair is. and yeah i used percy jackson and the lighting thief as the references for that underworld thing, you know why? because he used to be my percy jackson and i was his annabeth, we kind of believed that we are gods spawn. idiotic to highest order. we know. but it was our thing. it was. i couldn't even watch the second movie. there is just completely far too many things we planned to do but never did.
Tapi gue sayang sama dia, udah itu aja yang gue rasain, pas gue lagi kesel sama dia, pas gue lagi kangen sama dia, pas gue lagi pengen ketemu dia, pas gue lagi ngerasa di sakitin sama dia, pas dia jalan masuk ke pizza hut pas ultah gue, pas gue liat dia di depan pintu rumah alfridaa, atau pas dia ada di dalem lemari gue ngumpet untuk bilang Happy Birthday pas gue buka pintu lemari gue. Pas semua itu kejadian cuman sayang yang gue rasain buat dia.
gue kangen banget nyanyi nyanyi di depan kamar jaco pas dia cabut sekolah, gue inget kita nyanyi 'heaven' iya kita nyanyi itu. gue juga kangen pas dulu kita suka chat, suka kirim voice note, haha apalagi kalo dia sok-sok nyanyi 'perfect' nya simple plan. idiot banget.
Apa dia masih penakut? Masih suka mendem perasaanya? Apa dia masih suka ngambek?Dia sekarang rokoknya apa? I used to know all of this simple things. dan gue masih gabisa terima the fact that we grew apart. i am surviving but not at all healing.
Apa dia akhirnya nonton Radit dan Jani? gue gatau. karna gue bukan siapa siapa sekarang.
maybe at the end of the day its all on me, maybe i am hurting not because what he did but rather because i cant let him go, i cant. but he had to. i miss him, we were friends. but the whole world knows, he knows, that i love him much more than just what meets to the eye.
I love him so much, it hurts.
Be happy Val, I know you already are now, and though i am not a part of your parade, I'm just glad I got the chance to know you better, you're such an amazing person, you are lovable and you are loved now, you are such a caring person, you made me feel loved, even if it was just friendly love, it was something i believe does not happen twice in life, and yes i was afraid because i know i will not find 'this' again. But letting go someone like you? For me it takes a whole lot of time, you are that special.
Love,
CAPTDIVA.
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